If you're not Southern, then you may not understand how neighbors react when you have a death in the family. It's very common to receive gifts of food when someone dies.

It is tradition, especially in small Southern towns, to carry in food to the family when someone dies. It’s hard to know what to say when there’s a death. Bringing over food is a way to say “I care” without having to say a word.

Clearing Up the Confusion on Gifts of Food

This Southern funeral food tradition can be a bit confusing for people from other areas of the country or even Southerners with city roots. Your neighbor may be saying, “I’m really sorry about your loss.” You may hear, “We think you’re not destitute.” Rest assured that food when someone dies has nothing to do with your social or economic status. It’s an honest attempt to do something helpful and concrete.

Everyone knows that many people, the ones closest to the deceased especially, may not be hungry at all during times of grief. Most do, in the South anyway, have extended family in. Everyone will need food at some point over the days of the wake and funeral. Neighbors hope to take one burden off the family by providing the food.

Common Funeral Foods

Some neighbors enjoy cooking and will make and bring in their favorite and best dishes. There are often special meats, casseroles, breads and desserts. The comfort dishes tend to be heavy and old time favorites. This is not a time when the community is thinking about calories or fat grams. They are whipping up the tastiest dishes they make and often not exactly health foods.

Not as many people in the South cook today as in the old days. Life is really busy for everyone. Many deaths are sudden and unexpected. This means that a good number of neighbors will get convenience foods. They will get chicken at Bojangles or Kentucky Fried Chicken or drop by early with breakfast biscuits from Hardees.

Keeping Track of the Food and Dishes

Most Southern families keep a running list of those who visit and what foods were brought. This is a good job to give to a relative who is kind of at loose ends. The out-of-town or more distant relatives are usually thankful to have something to keep them busy.

If you’re carrying in food, it’s nice if you can use throw away dishes. If the casserole must be in your favorite, just-the-right-size baking dish, then a name sticker is helpful. Use those Christmas stickers with your name and address that come free in the mail.

If the dishes and containers get all jumbled up (very possible), then the home church is often a good place to stash the dishes. Members of the congregation know their own dishes and often recognize those of community members as well. If you're not a church goer, then you can usually find an older woman in the community who can match the dishes to the women and get them returned.

Forgotten Items

Some items tend to be overlooked and can be really helpful during a funeral period. These are good purchases, especially if you’re not the cooking type.

Breakfast foods tend to be underrepresented. Cereals and milk would be a good selection. Snack bars and muffins in sealed packages are also good ideas.

Paper products are also needed. Think of paper plates, cups, napkins and even toilet paper. These go fast, and it’s nice if the family does not have to make trips during a time of grief.

Storage items are also needed. Drop off some of the use-and-toss bowls with lids or zip lock bags of various sizes. If the refrigerator is overflowing, these items will really help a lot.

Another thoughtful option is to provide gift certificates. These can be coupons for take out food like pizza which can be used immediately if needed or saved if there’s already a lot of food. Dine in restaurant coupons are also nice. They will likely not be used immediately, but they can help as the family adjust in the following weeks.

Wait a Few Days

In the South, the food is usually very abundant the first couple of days after a death. This is helpful, but the days following, when family and friends have gone back to their routines, can be especially hard. You may want to think about dropping off a meal the following week. This time period may, for many, be even harder than the first couple of days when everyone is feeling kind of numb.